And Now For A Wee Blog Break…
Month: November 2007
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Life
(in pictures)
All of this, in 15 minutes. The joys of candyland.
thoughtful boy
look what came in the mail and looks like it has lived here forever?!
I bought this from MelissaTulip’s Etsy store
you know you want a closer look
I am wheezy but good.
How are you?
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My peach turns FOUR!!!
Happy Birthday Roo!!!
While time does fly by at an incredible rate, I do not wonder where it went.
Because I know…
I spent it with you.
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Remembering
There are moments in our live which define us; moments which lay out the path before us and separate all which came before and after. I wrote the below post two years ago this month and it is still as fresh as ever.
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A Malformation, a small boy and a gift.
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(Malformation: deformity: an affliction in which some part of the body is misshapen or malformed, something abnormal or anomalous)
Imagine looking at the word “THE” and not comprehending it.
Picture yourself attempting to read the word “THE” and not recognizing it.
What if you had to sound it out, “T-h-e” and it still failed you.
This would suck.
And it did; as it happened to me 3 years ago last month.
We were living outside of Flagstaff, Arizona at the time and drove into town to vote. It was Nov 5th, election day. I heard on the radio that there would be a booksale in Sedona that morning and decided to drive down.
I remember my son then; three years old and wearing his Pooh outfit with a hood, and ears. And he was so small, so tiny you could blow him away.
I drove down and had a wonderful time at the book sale. I rarely had time alone and was enjoying the relaxing drive. It was lovely.
And then it was not.
As I was winding up this steep mountain pass I started to feel a strange numbness in my face, my arm, my leg, my fingers. Things started to blur and I pulled the car over to the thin edge.
I was on the thin edge.
Things began to swirl and I thought, “I am going to die”
“Oh my god, I am going to die”
And I tried to stumble out of the car and thought I might fall over the edge and so I stayed inside. I knew I had to keep moving or I would die there, on the side of the road. And so I kept on driving. And stopping. And dying.
All I could think about was my son. How beautiful he was, and how small. And how desperately we needed one another. And how I might not say goodbye to him. And I thought, ”here is the part where my life is flashing before my eyes and it is all him”. And this is true.
And I drove 20 miles in about an hour. I made it to the hospital and stumbled in and slurred my words as I told them about the dying and my head and how my heart was spilling out and my side was numb and I remember now that I staggered as my right leg was numb. I was numb. And they kept me for hours and I started to clear. And my heart seemed fine and it was. And they said, “you just need rest and you should have someone take you home, your doctor will see you tomorrow”. So I went home and slept a dark and restless sleep and woke to a headache that has never fully left me.
I saw my doctor the next day and staggered slightly and slurred a bit and he said, “we really should look at your brain”. And they did.
This is what they saw:
This malformation is the extension of the cerebellar tonsils into the upper spinal canal. The brain stem and fourth ventricle remain within the skull in their normal position as does the remainder of the cerebellum. Because of the downward displacement of the tonsils there is too much tissue in the upper cervical spinal canal.
I cried for nearly two months. I underwent test after test and waited. I stumbled about and spoke to almost no-one. When I tried to speak, words came out garbled. Reading was difficult. My head pounded and ached constantly. I saw a neurosurgeon. We discussed surgery. He performed more and more tests.
And one day I went in to see him and he said. You don’t have this. You. Do. Not. Have.This.
I did not have this.
but I had something. I had headaches and walked in a way that suggested I drank frequently. My mind was dull. Limp. Dry.
And so they tested for M.S. and said I probably did not have that, either. And then I said I was done. I was done being the medical mystery woman and wanted to get back to living MY life, thank you very much. And so I did.
And I decided to try weekly massage and foot reflexology and aromatherapy and supplements for brain health. And I am better. I am not perfect but I am better. I am not quick but I am faster every day.
And the mystery remains but sometimes that is just the way life is.
But mostly, I get to be with my son. And now my daughter, as well. And this is the gift. To have your OWN life. To know how precious and tenuous it is and still hold on to it with a fierce and beautiful love.
This is the gift.
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Remembering
I wrote the post below two years ago this month; I am reposting it this morning because it is still as fresh as anything could be. There are a few moments in our lives which help to define the path before us; this moment below was one of those for me.
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A Malformation, a small boy and a gift.
(written November, 2005)
(Malformation: deformity: an affliction in which some part of the body is misshapen or malformed, something abnormal or anomalous)
Imagine looking at the word “THE” and not comprehending it.
Picture yourself attempting to read the word “THE” and not recognizing it.
What if you had to sound it out, “T-h-e” and it still failed you.
This would suck.
And it did; as happened to me 3 years ago last month.
We were living outside of Flagstaff, Arizona at the time and drove into town to vote. It was Nov 5th, election day. I heard on the radio that there would be a booksale in Sedona that morning and decided to drive down.
I remember my son then; three years old and wearing his Pooh outfit with a hood, and ears. And he was so small, so tiny you could blow him away.
I drove down and had a wonderful time at the book sale. I rarely had time alone and was enjoying the relaxing drive. It was lovely.
And then it was not.
As I was winding up this steep mountain pass I started to feel a strange numbness in my face, my arm, my leg, my fingers. Things started to blur and I pulled the car over to the thin edge.
I was on the thin edge.
Things began to swirl and I thought, “I am going to die”
“Oh my god, I am going to die”
And I tried to stumble out of the car and thought I might fall over the edge and so I stayed inside. I knew I had to keep moving or I would die there, on the side of the road. And so I kept on driving. And stopping. And dying.
All I could think about was my son. How beautiful he was, and how small. And how desperately we needed one another. And how I might not say goodbye to him. And I thought, ”here is the part where my life is flashing before my eyes and it is all him”. And this is true.
And I drove 20 miles in about an hour. I made it to the hospital and stumbled in and slurred my words as I told them about the dying and my head and how my heart was spilling out and my side was numb and I remember now that I staggered as my right leg was numb. I was numb. And they kept me for hours and I started to clear. And my heart seemed fine and it was. And they said, “you just need rest and you should have someone take you home, your doctor will see you tomorrow”. So I went home and slept a dark and restless sleep and woke to a headache that has never fully left me.
I saw my doctor the next day and staggered slightly and slurred a bit and he said, “we really should look at your brain”. And they did.
This is what they saw:
This malformation is the extension of the cerebellar tonsils into the upper spinal canal. The brain stem and fourth ventricle remain within the skull in their normal position as does the remainder of the cerebellum. Because of the downward displacement of the tonsils there is too much tissue in the upper cervical spinal canal.
I cried for nearly two months. I underwent test after test and waited. I stumbled about and spoke to almost no-one. When I tried to speak, words came out garbled. Reading was difficult. My head pounded and ached constantly. I saw a neurosurgeon. We discussed surgery. He performed more and more tests.
And one day I went in to see him and he said. You don’t have this. You. Do. Not. Have.This.
I did not have this.
but I had something. I had headaches and walked in a way that suggested I drank frequently. My mind was dull. Limp. Dry.
And so they tested for M.S. and said I probably did not have that, either. And then I said I was done. I was done being the medical mystery woman and wanted to get back to living MY life, thank you very much. And so I did.
And I decided to try weekly massage and foot reflexology and aromatherapy and supplements for brain health. And I am better. I am not perfect but I am better. I am not quick but I am faster every day.
And the mystery remains but sometimes that is just the way life is.
But mostly, I get to be with my son. And now my daughter, as well. And this is the gift. To have your OWN life. To know how precious and tenuous it is and still hold on to it with a fierce and beautiful love.
This is the gift.
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Self Portrait Challenge
(November’s challenge: clothing)
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Red Chair Fashion
I am not the most fashionable woman you will ever meet; I am more about comfort than style most of the time and it shows.
Home uniform? Jeans, wool socks and a sweater.
In my world if comfort and fashion got into a fistfight, comfort would kick fashion’s butt.
(obviously!
)
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A Few Dreams
(brain miscellany)
~We take our book business on the road. We get an RV, fill up part of it with books and food and the kids and the dog and start driving. We get internet on the road and so are able to travel around the US, stopping at book sales and selling from the RV as we drive. This way we are able to see the countryside with our kids, pay the bills, buy more books and eat a lot of chips.
~I start running. Every day I run a little more and soon I am faster and faster and can zip around everywhere. I would be faster than my kids and so proud. I could call people up and say, “no need to pick me up, I will just run on over there!”. This would come in handy because I would probably be able to jump higher, too.
~I make all of our clothes; everything we would want to wear for an entire year. I sew cute little things for Roo and Jesse and knit up the rest. In the dream, Trev looks so handsome in his handknit sweater and I knit while admiring him. The cuteness factor of the entire family goes up 10 whole points. This dream does not include shoes but in a pinch I could felt up some slippers.
~There is also the dream where I am writing and taking photographs without concern for money (no bills to pay) or time and I do this for an entire year. Highlights of this dream include staying up late and sleeping in, wearing yoga pants all day long and wearing cute hats to hide the bedhead. I am not sure what the kids are doing in this dream but they are awfully quiet and I am able to focus.
What Do You Dream About?
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