September 29, 2006
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Trust, Freedom and Letting Go
(long)
Trevor and I have always wanted our children to make as many of their own choices as they reasonably could.
We have encouraged them to choose their foods and eating times so that they would learn to listen to their bodies and know what they need. They both weaned when they were ready and we have always made sure their options were fairly healthy and varied.
We have always let them decide who they want to play with (or not), so they would be in touch with how they really feel about others.
We have always let them decide when they are tired and where they will sleep and how much. This has helped them to be happy, rested children who know when they need to have quiet time and sleep. They sleep through the night, holding on to one of us and sleeping the safe and warm sleep they need.
We have always encouraged them to dress themselves, regardless of the style/ color co-ordination/ season. This way, they are learning what is comfortable and warm or too cold and what truly suits them.
We have supported them liking the toys THEY like (whether we think they are garbage, or not).
Some of these freedoms have been more challenging for T and I than others but we have witnessed our children thriving in this environment and have gained confidence in their ability to know what they want/need. They trust themselves as we are learning to trust in them.
But we have had one issue that has been challenging; television. Trevor and I didn’t want them to watch television when they were little and Jesse never watched any until he was 2.5. After that, he watched some but only one show at a time and he always had to ask permission. And this didn’t work; he became somewhat greedy about television and, as a forbidden fruit, it became more and more tempting by the month. When he was allowed to watch he would beg and beg and beg for more and I would feel so guilty when I allowed him this “freedom”. It was not working.
About 2.5 years ago T and I began talking about this and my heart told me that we should let Jesse decide how much he wanted to watch and when (we would limit his channel options to screen out violent/inappropriate choices). We discussed this frequently and at length and yet couldn’t bring ourselves to do it.
What if he watched it all day long? What if he made the (gasp) wrong choice?
What if he loved it more than anything in the world and became a professional TV watcher; growing sluggish and pale at the screen, vacant and soft?
So we decided we just could not let him watch as much as he wanted.
But Jesse begged and begged and it bothered me deep in my heart; why was I trusting him to make so many other choices in his life and he was doing wonderfully and yet I was afraid of this thing, this TV beast?!
About a year ago we finally decided to let go of this and told Jesse it was up to him, he could make the choice. And he chose TV (truckloads of it), initially. He embraced it and memorized listings and characters and wanted to tell everyone about his deep adoration for the tube. People on the street would ask him about “homeschooling” and he would say, “oh, it rocks, I watch TV and tons of it”. And I would blush. Trevor would groan when he saw it on all day long and try and figure out ways to draw Jesse away from it. This did not work and Jesse watched it a GREAT DEAL for about 6 months. Then, just when we were beginning to wonder if this was a permanent commitment, I decided to embrace it. I worked on letting go of my feelings about television and tried to open my eyes to how he was seeing it and the value in it for him. I sat with him and we talked about what he loved to watch; when he went to bed and wanted to discuss dialogue or characters, I would talk about it with him. At first, I know he thought it was strange that I was embracing it but after a time he got used to it and stopped giving me odd looks at I sat with him. And I began to realize that it is alright for him to like what he likes. I love him the same.
And then his desire to watch it began to fade.
About 2-3 months ago, he began his days by not turning it on, some days he would even go all day without even thinking about it. His desire for it waned and he began looking for other things we could do together and talk about.
Now, he only watches it here and there and not for long; he has learned that the thing is not as exciting as the wanting; the power struggle we had over the TV made it so much more tempting than it needed to be. And he knows he is loved, either way, so he is free to make the choice he desires.
I have learned something too; that letting go is the hardest part but the rewards are worth it.
It’s about trust.
Comments (53)
You aren’t going to know why but this post has helped me more than you will ever know. thank you.
It helped me too. And I am in awe of the strength and courage it takes to parent the way you both do. I know I sound like a broken record… but your family is so very inspiring.
I have a hard, hard time with the T.V. issue, too. Thank you for sharing this bit of wisdom tonight….I’m going to stew awhile on why it’s so hard for me.
You are so brave and wise!
You two as parents are an inspiration, well, at least to me if I were able to have kids or the kids I have weren’t already adults. While that trust is a hard thing to give sometimes especially with regards to things like the television I admire the conviction of your method of raising your kids. I suspect that they will grow to be well developed and responsible adults. Definitely an asset to this world we live in.
Have a great weekend. Hugs’n'Smooches
My husbands parents were always nervous of how much time he was spending playing video games. Now he makes them for a living and supports our son who couldn’t care less about video games!
I’m finding that trusting my own decisions as a parent is the hardest part, but reading other like minded parent blogs always helps!
I have found the same to be true. My kids have gone through TV-watching marathon periods and then weeks and months of not even turning it on. It’s sort of a non-issue now.
Of course you could have always chosen not to have it in the house at all. Kids choices are never completely free because we are already choosing what will be in their environment. We choose whether to have the TV at all, we choose the programming, we choose the foods they can choose from, etc. This issue has come up a lot on homeschooling lists/boards I have frequented in the past… not only the TV issue but, relatedly, the computer/video game issue. And even the school issue. If YOU choose to homeschool and then your child WANTS to go to school, what should you do? My gut feeling is that children DON’T always know what’s best for them. If my son had said in kindergarten or 1st grade or 2nd grade that he really WANTED to go to school, I would have said that’s not an option right now. Eventually *I* am the one who chose for him to go to school at all and, happily, he went along with it. But he didn’t really have a choice.
The moral of my story is that I agree with your approach and have struggled in the past with where the choice and decision-making really come from… the end result being that I’ve accepted that *I* am the one in charge. And if I have a rule or opinion that differs from what they would like or what they think is “fair,” then we talk about it and I explain my reasons, etc. Which seems to work much better with older kids anyway! (no negotiating or reasoning with a 2-year-old is what I’m saying!)
I myself am a bit of a tv addict- though most of the time it’s just on for noise while I do other things. I do worry about my little guy being a couch potato- at least for now he cant sit still for 5 minutes and likes commercials with music more than anything else on tv. Hopefully he’ll be like Jesse and when he gets to that age and want to play more instead of me and want it on always.
this is a great post. : )
Julie, I am in awe of you! Thank you for this post.
You are such a beautiful mommy. Nuff said. And you’ve inspired me to be a beautiful mommy too. Gabriel just went to bed, because he wanted to. Because his stuffed bear was tired and needed rest. We read his bear a story and we all kissed goodnight. And Gabriel feels free, loved, and respected. You’ve really inspired me to step it up as a Mother…oh if I could tell you more…perhaps I will post.
I’ve just been thoroughly entertained by the mommy’s making jam/hank’s a cowdog medley. Who needs tv when you have such spontaneous brilliance going on anyway? THAT was really delightful. Your kids get more excrutiatingly beautiful every day.
We only have one rule around the television – it stays off after supper. Before supper, Emily can watch as much as she likes, whenever she likes. The result: she watches television for about half an hour, and then she turns it off. She’s learned when she’s had enough.
Even though we alow her to make decisions for herself in other areas, it was also a difficult choice to “let go” of TV restrictions.
This is a wonderful post — I struggle with this, too. Rosaline CONSTANTLY wants to “watch”. She doesn’t know about broadcast TV yet but she sure knows about her movies! I’m trying to let go of it — some days she doesn’t ask for it and I sigh a sigh of relief on those days. I was such a TV addict as a kid. But I was UNHAPPY. I try to remember that.
RYC: I have several million patterns! It helps to know what kind of a reading-pattern person you are. Are you familiar with Elizabeth Zimmerman? She gives no patterns, only descriptions as if she was a kindly grandmother teaching you to knit. I have another pattern that spells every single thing out. These can be good for those of us who like that. I find it kind of overwhelming. I have another pattern that isn’t even really a pattern. I think that might suit you — Basically you knit the swatch you want with the yarn you like on the needles you want. Wash your swatch and get your gauge. Then you use those numbers and look at the little spreadsheets that tell you how many to cast on, decrease and when based on YOUR numbers. Really, there’s almost no pattern at all. I like those ’cause they leave SO much open for you to impose your style on the sweater rather than the sweater imposing its style on YOU. Or I can copy all 3 and send them your way!
Holy cow, I came to the same conclusion about the tv a few months ago! I give them so much freedom in other areas, but was controlling about the tv because I thought it is just too addictive and they would never be able to control themselves. But the more I limited tv (and by tv I mean videos because we don’t get tv service), the more appealing it was and the more they begged and pleaded for it.
So I finally let go and decided to see what would happen. And it went just the same as you said. They binged on videos over the summer. For almost three months the tv was on every waking moment and I feared for their brains.
But they are finally over it. They wake up and play and sometimes don’t turn it on all day. Or they turn it on and get bored with it and walk away. Or they watch one interesting show and then turn it off and do something else.
I am no longer the tv police. Wahoo! I’m free!!!
The only thing left now is food. I have never controlled when, or where, or how much. They’ve always been free to get up and run around as much as they like, or not eat if they weren’t hungry. But I haven’t trusted them about what they eat. I’ve worried a lot about the choices they would make if I didn’t tell them yes or no to specific foods. But I am giving that up now too. I try to give them mostly healthy choices to pick from at home, but I’m not being a maniac about it anymore. They might make some bad choices for a while but eventually they will be satiated on sugar and listen more to their bodies. This is a little harder than tv, for me, because I have my own food issues (which I was in the process of passing on to them, I think.)
Sorry to blog at your blog. You speak to my heart. Love you.
I’ve thoght very much about this very subject. What keeps me scared about letting Eli decide how or when to watch it all on his own is my addiction to it., I’m fearfull he will be like me. OK I’m no addict… but I’ve always been rather depressed person (thru out my life… not on a daily basis perhaps) and TV was my scapegoat. movies and shows about my ideal life. (like was no fun and very hard when I was a kid and I lacked frinedship and acceptance form my family. so I watch TV.
perhaps Eli would not have this problem b/c he ha a mother who wants to be friends with him? maybe. but i’m still battling my own issues with tv. and itf it’s on I will get sucked in… hmmm..
I commend your additude and conviction about this. It’s good for your family! very good! It gives me lots of things to think about. But first… I need to go watch tv for a few hours (hehehe). =P
Been there, done that……..exact same ending.
Been there, done that……..exact same ending.
You rock, Mama. My husband walks in a room and turns on the TV, and i had started picking up the habit. But, we’ve been doing a kitchen remodel for 6 weeks, and our TV/DVD has been disconnected (and the 13″ 20 year old handmedown in the bedroom has died). MG was starting to watch Elmo every morning, just so i could shower. i have enjoyed not having TV. I don’t miss TV as much as i miss home cooked food. If you ever wrote a book about your experiences, i would so devour it. THx for always sharing your successes and struggles.
Your journey sounds very similar to ours. Don’t get me wrong – the kids still watch a lot of TV, but a balance has been found, and the impact has been far more positive than negative.
This post was so interesting to me. We too struggle with this issue. One of my children craves it MUCH more than the others. We have the rule that it can go on when it has been raining for atleast an hour and Friday is pizza-movie night. I too don’t want it to be the forbidden fruit….you have given me something to discuss with dh and mull over. Thanks
I wish I were brave enough to trust my boy to do this. He watches and watches and watches with no sign of wanting to turn it off. I wonder if it helps that you didn’t let Jesse watch until he was 2.5? I feel into the typical “Baby Einstein” trap with Austin.
If you even have time, could you expand on this more? Though I don’t know how much more there is to say, you pretty much laid it all out there. I just wish I had your confidence when it comes to making these decisions.
Beautiful. It’s the embracing part I could never get to. You should send this to Life Learning Magazine.
I’m crying because I have so much to learn, and it is so, so hard right now.
It is about taking the time to actually be parents and live as examples that they see and respect too,or they would not make the choices they do,good job.
This has proven so true in our family, except there never were rules about TV. The only child who watches “too” much is my disabled daughter who, since she doesn’t have nearly as many options of things to do in a day, can only be expected to want to watch her movies. It’s never had much power in our house and while I do occasionally kick kids off it because *I* am sick of listening to it, there really are no rules about how much in a day.
We also feed them like you do, and yet this same daughter has prader willi syndrome and food must be locked up, so it’s challenging. But we make it work. I do limit their choices simpy by what is in the house.
Nothing is banned, but much is infrequently purchased.
and, of course, we school the same way. My 17 yr old walked into public school this week, joined the grade 12 class without a problem, unless being too advanced in some of them is a problem - after being in charge of his own education at home.
Trusting your kids can be tough.. but it’s worth it, isn’t it!
Thanks for sharing this post! This is still something we struggle with after 27 years of parenting.
One question I still have is my own need for peacefulness. There are some times I am almost desperate for no electronic noises in the house at all. Kid and pet noises don’t seem to bother me but tv or computer or even recorded music are too much. Is my own need for peacefulness too much of an imposition on my kids?
The worst time of day is when I’m trying to get supper on, because I can’t move to another part of the house to get quiet while the kids have their noise. But at any rate, I’m so glad to hear of someone who let go and found it not so awful and really pretty wonderful.
interesting, even though I obviously made a different choice: to help my daughter manage her TV time while acknowledging that in some way it is very important to her. I , too, have laid on the floor watching with her, getting swept up into her world. Sometimes it was the only connection she would allow me. As she gets older, I have to connect in her world more and more, so this is good practice.
I want to say, though, on the sleeping issue. Your way would work, and does, on my second child. My first would scream, and scream, and scream, and fall down and be so tired she couldn’t stand herself and NEVER go to sleep unless guided. We still take her to bed over protests and lay down with her and she is asleep in 10 minutes or less…after stories and all that. But she has never even as a baby chosen to willingly sleep. She was quite the revelation to me. And she needs as much or more sleep as one who sleeps willingly…she just doesn’t know how to calm herself. So we still fill that gap for her.
I still have issues with free reign on the TV and computers. This was inspiring, maybe I can learn to let go and trust them on this. Thanks for the post!
becmom: I think it is good to share with them that it is hard for you, I get overwhelmed by noise too and express that to both the kids. That said, there are headphones for most “noisemakers” and this is often a good compromise for us.
Great post. We are still working on this. It’s a tough one for me. And we have video games, and ds#2 has hand held games. Right now we’ve gone to 1hour of regular t.v., or one hour of computer or one hour of hand held games or one DVD per day. Ds#1 has no limits, as he is older. Ds#2 was gorging on t.v. and computer mostly and it made me sooooo uncomfortable. Blushes. I will have to rethink this. Oh, and why am I okay with movies, but not regular t.v. programming? Lots to think about. Thanks.
Wow, congratulations! What a beautiful journey! Thank you so much for sharing that with me(us).
I feel so guilty, because I have allowed the kids to watch a lot of television. We play a lot, read a lot, and I moniter WHAT they watch, but most of the time the TV is on. I think it’s because I grew up with the television always on, and wheter or not they are watching, it’s a familiar sound. However, when we DO turn it off to go outside, to read, to listen to music, to have our meals, or to just have quiet time, it happens without a fuss.
I think that this is one of the most inspiring posts EVER!
I’ve been struggling with this so much, and have sensed also that maybe the key is letting go and embracing. But I’m still scared. This gives me a little courage, thank you.
Linda (fourlittlebirds.blogsome.com)
I have often told myself that I wish to raise ours kids this very same way(when we have them:), knowing that that is where they find themselves and their creativity…but then there is always that rational side of me that worries about trusting it too much, I think of the paradigms about parenting and how many would scoff at this method, but this inspires me and reminds me that children have something so innate and wise beyond us that we (gasp, yes we, could learn something so great from them)…
Thank you for reminding me that there others out there with these beliefs as difficult as it may be…I too would have the same fear of the TV thing…loving so much the lively little sprite that he is and hating what TV does to someone else…but he had/has such a great understanding of who he is to make the best decision for himself…I applaud you for following your heart and trusting your (and his) gut on this one!
Amazing!
xo
This was a good blog for me to read.
Thanks for sharing.
your kids are beautiful
What a wonderful post. And the picture of your son is priceless- he looks so innocent and content. Lovely photo, and lovely words- just a wonderful post. You’re such a good mama. Lisa
p.s. thanks for adding me to your protected list.
I’m so glad. Your posts are always so uplifting. Lisa
What a beautiful post, it is so lovely to completely trust like that, and you listened to your heart. I was at that point with dd (6) but we have sattelite, loads of movies and it was never off, I left her for over a year and it didn’t get less (though I didn’t sit and chat with her about what she was watching like you did- maybe that was the key) Now it is turned off between 9am and 3pm, allowed on during lunch whilst I get little one to sleep………still not happy with it…you have given me a lot to think about…Thank you xxxxxxxxx
i love the lessons that children teach us about ourselves. he’s an amazing kid
yep. huh-huh. I agree. Go figure! You rock!
Thank you for your wise words.
I totally agree and we have done the same with TV, pretty much, except for when there’s something else that absolutely must be done. Benny went through phases where he’d watch a TON of TV, or the same thing again and again, and then he’d go through phases where he wouldn’t watch anything. It’s definitely cyclical. In some ways, I think, it’s not “fair” that their favorite shows are on every day. If I could watch The Amazing Race every day, I definitely would. And they don’t mind the repeats. So, if he really wants to watch Buzz Lightyear every day, I don’t think that’s awful.
Julie ~ so beautifully written ~ you made me cry ~ yes, its hard just to let go sometimes.
My kids have no TV restrictions, and their marathon watching comes in spurts. I think the days they watch a lot they are telling me they need the downtime.
It’s the same with video games and computer.
You are constantly an inspiration. I admire your courage and strength… your trailblazing will make my life much easier somedaY!!
Every kid I know whose parents limit TV become complete zombies when the TV is on– you can’t even get their attention they’re so addicted to it. Kids who can watch as much as they want generally don’t. I’ve always found it interesting… my only problem with it is the commercials, do you do anything about this?
What a great post–you have a great deal of parental wisdom. These are issues I struggle with, especially in trying not to impose my choices on my girls…I have such perfectionist tendencies and am such a people-pleaser that I take wobbly baby steps with these issues, but I learn more each day. (That word–perfectionism–ugh, it’s a dirty word!) Thank you for your beautiful words and inspiration!
Amen!! – i am learning this everyday – and this trust, once you get it, things are so much more peaceful ya know?
I missed this entry earlier… We tend to live the way you do in allowing our kids to make their own choices. Except for the toys… I cringed when I read that one in your post. Lately our 4 year old has been on a plastic robot kick. Its not the robots that I mind, its the garbage plastic part. So I have to take deep breaths when he wants to spend the money he has earned on that, knowing that it will soon break and be in a landfill somewhere. I remind myself that it isnt right for us to trust them with every other decison and then stand firm on one of our own personal opinions when it isnt going to hurt or harm them.
Great post, I enjoyed reading a post about a family whose parenting mimics ours.
If more parents simply gave some thought to their role, (though they might have differing methods) more children would grow up healthy, not just physically, but mentally and spiritually as well.
Keep up the good work.
i want to thank you for adding the link back to this on your xangaversary. i have only been here for a month or so and have been following your blog, mostly pictures and beautiful poetic statements. this has given me an opportunity to look back (and now i will check the other links you put up as well) and read more….more to learn from. our daughter is quite young still, we do not have television, but we already talk about the possibilities it holds/takes away/all the notions of television. youve helped me remember that its not really about the television, like you said, it is about trusting our children to learn about themselves/to grow themselves. thank you…
I am also back here from your Xangaversary
I don’t think I read this entry either.
I’m so glad you shared your transitioning time. I think the more of us that do share, the better. Letting people know that only good comes from trusting our children. Embrace those interests and passions of our children and you will be amazed! Freedom is an amazing, exhilarating, life changing thing…so glad we did it too.