August 1, 2006
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Self Portrait Challenge
The challenge for August is the “psychology of enclosed spaces”
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I am afraid of a few things and being in a small, enclosed space is one of them. Until 3.5 years ago, I had no symptoms of claustrophobia; I was able to hide in a locker at school, under my bed during thunderstorms and even in a kitchen cabinet in order to play a prank on someone.
But in 2002 I became ill and very much
not myself.
I endured test after test after test with as much grace as I could muster
and then I needed an MRI.
I would be brave, I could do this.
there was the moment where they strapped me in and put this cage over my head and I
could not move
and they said it would last about 35 minutes.
I was paralyzed by my own fear, I screamed for them to take me out ,
take me out, take me out
(please, take me out)
And they took me out but I needed this test, I needed to know why my brain was slipping into my spinal cord and I needed to know why I couldn’t speak or walk well or feel joy
I needed to know and so I decided that I would breathe and breathe and breathe until they let me free.
Because I needed to KNOW.
I have never quite overcome the fear that lives in me still,
I hesitate and sweat in elevators, I have to force myself to board an airplane
and I panic when I’m in a locked automobile
but I have learned how to breathe
and this is what I do.
Comments (37)
How horrid and frightening. I’m glad you got something good from it though (learning to breathe) and I hope they found answers for those questions. You’re an amzing person and I wish the best for you.
do you call your daughter roo? that was my nickname growing up and my parents still call me roo
Ick I started breathing funny just reading your entry. I don’t like small spaces either…
You are very strong, indeed.
How utterly frightening.
Oh gawd, I have been there, in those machines. They are horrible. The fact that you can’t control it. I still feel like I can’t breathe in tunnels and whatnot. I am supposed to go for another MRI — I was supposed to schedule it all the way back in May, and I haven’t gone yet. AND I DON’T TOTALLY INTEND TO.
Deary, did you mean the challenge for August? ;D
I had an MRI twice while I was pregnant. Once when I was only a few weeks along, and the second several months. You described the experience quite well. They tell you to hold your breath while they are trying to get a picture of your abdomen, but the thing is you don’t really feel you can breath in there to begin with! Your picture captures the feelings well.
I hate those types of fears. I get that feeling driving in the car a lot. Your picture says it very well.
I get a little panicky just thinking about it. ((hug))
I hate small spaces, you did a good job enduring the MRI.
You have a great deal of strength. I never considered myself as clustraphobic either. For some reason those MRI tubes are the absolute worse. I’m glad that they finally have the open MRI’s now. Before that I prayed and prayed that they would have me far enough in the tube that I could tip my head up and at least see the wall behind me. Think part of my problem is that my size is not the best for MRI’s. LOL I get to doing the rapid breathing in elevators… though I do manage planes fine.
Intense, beautiful, and inspiring. Sending you lots of love Julie.
How very powerful. Just keep breathing Hon’.
How intense to work through those kind of fears.
That must be awful…did you find out what the problem was?
xo
that does sound scary!
For some reason I can’t imagine you being afraid of anything! I have often wondered how I would react to an MRI. You are such a strong spirit…I am glad you are with us to share things like this. AND…WOOT! Thanks for the books! Not only is the one I asked for too cool, but how did you know I wanted to read that second one? You are the sweetest. I can’t wait to carve out some time to read them…
~Miriam
I’m glad you found a wide open space. *hugs*
I received the book today! Thank you! As soon as I opened it, Abby promptly licked it. Silly baby.
It’s a powerful picture. The background story is amazing. I’m so glad that you are better, with or without and answer, and I’m so glad that you know how to breathe.
Hugs Jules
Hugs Julie xxxx
is it all sorted now (the brain thing)??? xxxxxx
Oh Julie ~ How terrifying that must have been for you.
I feel so badly for you.
(((Huggs)))
hmm…this is how I’m feeling about the dress I’m in right now…but going home and changing? perhaps I can just breathe???
wow. the story and then the picture are both scary and beautiful.
((hugs))
I have that fear of heights. Concentrating on breathing helps.
Great pic!
Wow Julie. Like geekagirl said, how utterly frightning.
More good, juicy stuff to work through. I love the photo….the artistic expression of that..the “rips” in the “paper”…wow! Were you feeling colosterphobic while composing this shot? Will you be doing more of thesethis month? Maybe self-portraits in small spaces might help you? (or maybe not….now..just yet?)
Thank you for last night!!!!!!!!! (-:
Wow.
RYC: In Burlington, there are a couple of good shops: The Crow Bookstore and one right next door called North Country Books (which I prefer of the two)….Montpelier has a couple of little nooks and crannies…and Brattelboro (the furthest south) has a great used book store…
Depending upon when you are around, there are book sales in the fall – but like most things in VT, they are all fairly modest in size, despite what Stowe may say about it’s all summer long library sale being huge!
I know it isn’t the same, but I used to fly and climb and do all sorts of “high up” things… something happened and now I can’t do it. I come unglued even trying. I will be painting the 2nd story of our home next week. I feel sweat beads popping out just thinking about it. Heights send me into a deep dark place now. The photo is clear and speaks volumes of your emotions about this.
I think you need a photo book published… I do. No more than 1-3 words beneath each one.
It would be eye opening and inspiring all bound together.
P.s I have yours, Roo’s and Jess a box to ship… I held on to yours to mail together… had a mini crisis here – got side tracked
Kimberly
bravery … I think you found bravery in that little box … though I suspect it was within you all along …
I’m so glad you weren’t afraid to know … weren’t afraid to face the unknown … weren’t afraid of a fight … weren’t afraid to take that breathe …. after watching my father-in-law battle cancer I have a new respect for those whose fight those unknowns, put themselves in places and situations they must be brave to face, and who fight, even when they are afraid … that is so brave!
…oh, so very brave indeed (( hugs ))
XOXO!
I became what I thought was claustrophobic at about 18 or 19. Now that I am getting older though, I am able to see it as not a true claustrophobia, but more of a fear of being unable to breathe. I can handle elevators, as long as they are not full of people. But I can’t wear turtlenecks or necklaces, or anything that makes me feel unable to breathe completely. Even some yoga poses bother me, as it feels as though my lungs are being compressed. I also prefer to be in places where windows open and where curtains are never closed.
I would hate an MRI machine.
Learning to breathe through your fear is a good thing.
What turned out to be the cause of your sickness?
I know that panic! I take Valium before MRIs…hope all was well
Great shot.
Warriorwife
Neat picture!