May 30, 2006
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A Question and Some Thoughts*****In my last post (protected), girl_in_pictures left me this question and I wanted to respond to it.“I guess I’m wondering what the benefit is to letting your kids do whatever they want with no boundaries whatsoever. That’s nothing like real life…? I am very curious as to the philosophy of this way of parenting….not so much the “right now fun and freedom”, that I can understand, but what about the longterm affects? I know we’re all doing what we feel is best, and I guess the reason I’m asking is because I’m still trying to “find my way” as a parent and I just don’t understand and I really want to. Please don’t be offended, I think you are a WONDERFUL mother and your kids were given to you because you are the perfect mom for them. I just don’t understand, maybe I have it all wrong, I don’t know.
“To begin, I am not offended at all; this is a wonderful way to share our experiences and philosophies and hopefully learn from one another. I hope it is O.K. with you that I am posting this question and my response.Boundariesmy children have few boundaries, but they do have a handful. These include; no physical harm to others (this includes all creatures), no risking of one’s own life, and no intentional destruction of other’s property.My kids have few other boundaries set by me because they are capable of discovering them for themselves.For example: when a child learns how much to eat based on how their body feels, he (or she) eats what he needs to, not what an adult assumes he needs to.When a child learns how to interact with others based on response, he learns what is needed to have a relationship that works; he learns what he likes and doesn’t like based on what is in his heart (not ours). I feel this is very important because a child remains connected to the voice inside him that says, “this is a person who makes me comfortable/this is a person who does not”. Obviously, part of my job is to protect my children from people with bad intentions and I am always there to do this but I do want them to know what is in their heart/s when they are out in the world.When a child learns to listen to his body, he learns what it feels like to be tired and ready for bed. He learns he is done watching TV because he is bored and there are other things to do, not because an adult is telling him how much is enough.He stays connected to the parts of him that know when enough is enough. When we make all the decisions for our child, he becomes reliant on others to determine when enough is enough.Children are born with the gift of hearing their inner voice,I want to make sure mine never lose it.The Long Term EffectsSelf awareness, confidence, clarity, strength, joy. I certainly hope there are long term effects from how my children are raised. This is why they have these freedoms; in the hopes that they will become amazing adults as a result.I fully believe they will.Real LifeWhat is real life, anyway?! There are those who make their case for school as preparation for a lifetime of clock-watching and agreeability and orderliness; a child learns to get used to bells and lines and “bosses” and rewards in order to be a complacent member of society.One must get used to these things as they do not come naturally.Here is the place where I feel electricity in the back of my neck, the part where the voice inside me yells,“NO! We don’t have to get used to ANYTHING! We can make our OWN choices! We can love who we want and eat strange foods in the middle of the night and sleep all day and walk on our hands and speak in our own tongue. Our lives belong to US!”What are the consequences? We will find out and learn from them and fall in love with them or reject them and try something different entirely. It does not matter as long as no-one else is harmed.We can do what we want in our OWN LIFE because it is ours.I want my children to live a life that is authentic and true,
I want them to never lose the fire they are born with,
I want them to be free to live their own,real lives.
Comments (71)
:goodjob:
(forgive me in advance b/c i feel along comment coming on)
Our parenting is similair and different. my kids have more boundries in some areas. But I have the same basic philosophy. I couldn’t let Eli and Eva decide when bedtime was fully b/c well Eva wouldn’t sleep ever. she would fall to sleep for a couple of mins then wake trhrashing.
but again I saw these needs in my kids. I only provide “order” in ares I think they need my assistance. (or when I’m cranky and in a bad grouchy mood… but let’s not talk about that one! :shysmile:)
I have to say this… I used to parent by rules, regulations, punishments, and expectations of perfection. It was aweful. I cried and my son cried. and neither us us blossomed or grew. I realized this one day and vowed to change it. Life has been better since (that’s the short version!)
Wow! *standing ovation* This is beautiful and wonderfully put. Thank you for sharing your philosophy, Julie. :sunny:
honestly inspiring. if only more people saw their children in such a light.
and i thought maine was one of the most expensive states to live in behind california and new york(where we are now). we have seriously high taxes here because we support nyc, which sucks the life out of the rest of ny. which i wouldn’t mind if we actually got something back. but at least maine has the ocean to convince me that the prices just might be worth it
“Children are born with the gift of hearing their inner voice, I want to make sure mine never lose it.” This is so beautiful. I get teary when I read about people loving their children in such an honest way. I wish I had your facility with words when people ask me to explain how we’re “raising” our children. (I’m not “raising” them.) Anyway, I recently made a post on Unschooling Discussion about my oldest daughter that I’m going to put on my blog. There were many times I questioned myself and my beliefs, but there was something I could see developing in her that I didn’t dare hinder. I was more afraid of making her uncomfortable with herself that I was of my own self doubts. There’s nothing so thrilling as seeing your children learning to listen to their “inner voice” with confidence. You and your husband are wonderful parents, and your children are so very, very fortunate.
Got a little carried away but it’s a subject near and dear to my heart.
:goodjob: very well said.
This is something I think through regularly. My kids are much older than yours, with only the 12 and 13 year olds still living at home. I started out parenting a lot like my parents did and moved to more freedom through the years. We went from public school to home school to unschool, and now my guys choose to be in public school. But they know the alternatives.
There are times when nothing is clear, though.
A day when there are a lot of assignments (homework) and my son wants to get A’s but is truly missing having any time to just be. I ask how important the A is. I ask how important the time to think and be is.
Extra curricular activities can all look inviting and they are addictive for some kids. There is an adrenalin rush that comes from being too busy and on the cusp of not being able to get it all done—and then just making it. You get a lot of attention for doing so much and excelling at so many things. It comes at a cost, but I know kids who get so lost in the adrenalin that they have forgotten how to enjoy alone at home exploring or thinking or being. Do we limit? How do we decide?
We farm. There is enough work that all of us are needed. If I do all the work myself, there won’t be enough time for me to get to read or think or pray. But requiring work from the kids feels hard sometimes too. There are always times that they choose to work alongside just for fun. But there are also times, like this morning, when I’m the only one who registers that since the dishwasher is full of clean dishes, someone will have to clean it out before it can be reloaded. The others put their dishes on the counter and expect them to disappear and reappear clean and stacked in the cupboard.
What about money? How to decide what to pay for and what not to pay for? We asked our kids to start buying their own clothes when they were in 7th grade. How is that for arbitrary? If they had no way to earn money we gave them a very small allowance until they could find enough babysitting or mowing (usually for us) or other work to pay without allowance. Is that artificial or real? Right now my boys are at those ages when it is time for them to start paying for their own clothes and I think about whether I still want to do it this way or not. The 7th grader enjoys the idea of earning his own money to buy things that we can’t afford that are important to him. He’s not so keen on buying clothes and I know he will get buy on a small wardrobe. I think that is great. He really wants to invest in his musical instruments which get very expensive, and I think that is great as well.
And the last place where I really wrestle with rules is with boundaries I want for my own comfort. I want/need certain times each day when my house is quiet. I wish to not be taken too much for granted although I recognize that there is a sense in which being taken for granted is a part of life together with others. I want/need to be spoken to with respect. (I also need to speak to them with respect.) And respect includes the assumption that my agenda is not the most important. When there is work that seems important to me, I still must listen to what seems important to the boys. But if we can’t come to an agreement, then what happens?
Way too long for a comment. I’m sorry. You gave me much to continue to question and think about.
“Lost, Yesterday, Somewhere between sunrise & Sunset, two golden hours, each set with sixty diamond minutes. No reward is offered, for they are gone… forever.” — Horace Mann
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Beautifully said!!!
I have too, ran into the same questions through my parenting…I think each day should be packed to brim of learning, hands on, love abounding and freedom to be ones own AUTHENTIC self… I posted about that while you were away, those exact words, how strange
To be ones true authentic self, a child must be allowed to grow into who they are…not molded into what you want them to be… for many people that is a scary thing… giving up that control, when most of us were raised that way ourseslves. I have leanred now with my 2 oldest daughters that my fears, my own short comings, and bad choices caused me to place unkind, unnessesary restraints and rules on my children, causing many flowers of their own to never bloom… so hard to stomach on days… now I do things much different. We have bounderies, we have rules, we have more inplace than some because of where we live and the people my older children interact with, things change a bit from when they are little and homebodies… the line is thin, and easily broken, as to where to draw that line… always keep your eyes wide open, always see them, never try to envision what you want, hope and wish… let them be who they really are, what ever it takes… if not they will never love them selves and you might miss the most fascinating wonderful person you could ever meet… your own child.
K~
Well written!
Well put. There are far too many rules and regulations set up for us and our children. Most are based on someone elses ideal of how one should be or how they should act. I was the only single parent in the area when babyjahlove was born and as such was under constant watch by everyone in town. At first I tried to conform, but then – in being true to MYSELF – decided to let her and I go our own way. As long as no one was getting hurt and no harm was done it was all good. The choices were not always easy and not always what in hindsight I would do now, but they were hers and mine and that it that. People always felt they needed to “explain” my behavior or “make excuses” for it, but that became their problem and not ours. Still is that way now as I watch by darling girl with her beautiful free spirited little man and applaud her the different choices that she is strong enough to make with him and how they do things
Well said. For me, the important thing has been to watch each of my children, see what they need or want, and help them to grow into who they are. Some days I do a good job, some days not so good, but I keep trying. I want them to know who they are, what they believe and why and to be who they are.
I am so in love with your view on life and am glad I get to peek in on you now and then. Thank-you. :sunny:
My child is 13 now, and I’ve parented her by using much the same philosophy that Julie described. My daughter has been free to make her way through life on her own terms, and I’ve been there to advise, sympathize, listen, and give honest responses to her actions based on my feelings… but she’s always been in charge of her life.
I’ve tried to be kind and thoughtful, and hoped that she would respond to me in the same manner – and 99% of the time, we both succeed.. She’s chosen to fill her life with very structured activities (ballet, working, theatre) and she has excelled at them. Money really isn’t a problem – she’s aware of our family’s financial situation, and generally asks for less than I’d be willing to pay for and is truly grateful for what I do pay for. She works whenever she can in order to pay for her own activities, as well. Her activities do take up a hefty chunk of my income, but they make her happy and so I am happy to pay for them when I can.
And R could just sit at home and do nothing, she has that freedom… but she doesn’t choose that. She chooses to go out into the world and create the life that makes her happy… and I think that’s because of how she has been allowed to live her own life. She feels powerful, rather than powerless, at least most of the time. For a 13 year old girl in this society to feel powerful… just wow.
Sorry for the segue…I just wanted to share some notes from the future…
:sunny: may I be added to your protected list?
When we make all the decisions for our child, he becomes reliant on others to determine when enough is enough.
thanks. I just blogged in Beloved_Sunshine’s post about this… but you phrased it better.
This is what i am dealing with today. There is a point when life becomes my own responsability, and it is my job to “fix myself” but frankly, i think everyone miscalculated WHEN my life became MY LIFE. I have to admit, i am a dependent mush of goo. I am currently dealing with this issue right now, as basically since i moved out of my parents house (where i struggled fruitlessly so many years for a chance to spread my wings before my cord was cut) i have been excelling and then breaking down in three month patterns. I’ll try something new that i think i will like and then in three months i FREAK out and dont know what to do with my life and need to move (do the other side of the planet) and “look for my place”, and call my mom and any other person who will offer advice and basically fall to the ground like i have no bone structure. Its… rather pathetic really…
I basically dont know what i like.
No, well yes. But it’s not entirely true. I DO know that im a mother, but (somehow this is a bad thing) it’s the only thing that i am Sure of. And in good form, when ever i talk to my dad about my lack of direction, he askes me what it is that i see myself doing in 10 years. NO. no. i do know what i love to do. Anyway, sometimes i dont even bother saying it because i already KNOW what his response will be and im tired of being shot down (although somehow he still doesnt realize that it’s what he’s doing). My response is that frankly, in 10 years i see myself with however many children i can make in 10 years, one of them on my body against my skin nursing to sleep in my sling while i play with the others and watch as they learn from the world around them. Im a masseuse, a doula, an artist, a cook with a knack for feeding how ever many people happen to be in the house with ease, i am a musician, i am a linguist, and i am a mother who uses all of her NOT-failed dabblings in every subject on the planet to help her children get started down their own paths of discovery when they find an interest.
…so… that’s how i feel about that…
I am desperately trying to find my footing and self before i meet my husband because i WILL not put my burden on him (I want to be a team member, not another to be carried), and i WILL not pass this burden down.
but i also have no desire to be a childless mother much longer…
BAH.
ok. im going to stop bloggin on everyone ELSE’s pages now and do my homework….
bravo! well said! i only wish i could do this as well as you do. (my parents parenting style still continues to come through occasionally even though i fight it).
I love it. Once again you inspire me.
Julie…you are so inspiring. You make me want to be a better mom.
When my children ( 11 and 13) do chores.. We relate those chores with the work he’s going to do for a living. We let them know that you can’t do a half butt job and expect to get paid. If they had there way.. they wouldn’t do nothing expect play thier x-box. They wouldn’t shower.. and they would eat ceral all day long. How do I know this.. I let them go .. for a week. Didn’t tell them to do a thing. And thats what they did. they were bored out of thier minds..they had no energy..and seemed unhappy. Once we took back up parenting..they were alot happier because they knew what was expected of them. I think rules and guidlines are important.
Christina
Thank you so much for responding Julie. That was beautifully put, really. I’m so glad my question has sparked a discussion as well because it’s been fascinating to read other’s responses. I will come back and read this post again when I have more time and really think through it. I agree, you are so very inspiring and encourage me, along with countless other moms who read your blog, to think outside the box. And that is a wonderful gift, I thank you for that.
I guess by “real life” I meant that not everyone has been raised the way your kids are and cannot understand their freedom. I worry that it will be hard for kids who have been in charge of their own lives to learn to be unselfish when they’ve had the freedom to be self-serving as much as they want, to the point where they don’t even permit their mom to have time to herself, and she goes along with it. I guess I don’t see that as being healthy, but I fully admit I might be looking at it the wrong way. I worry too about the fact that there are regulations in America (as unfortunate as that may seem) and there are policeman that will arrest grown adults if they wander around naked or do other things that the adult may see no problem with but in reality, it may be more hurtful to *others* and that may be something they need to take into consideration. And I know they can learn rules and regulations on the job (we all know most jobs have them, if they choose to work someday) but it will be a lot more difficult if they have been raised thinking there is no need to pay attention to outside rules. I definately don’t agree with all rules, not at all, but I also think there is a need for some sort of order in society or everything would go to chaos, maybe because we WEREN’T all raised to pay attention to our inner voice, and maybe because some choose that THEIR inner voice is most important, which is also dangerous. We all co-exist, and I think we need to be taught to yes, follow our heart, but also keep in mind there are other people who are deeply affected by our actions.
I hope this makes sense. My questions are not meant to be a reflection on your children or what they will someday do, these are questions I personally have and wonder about if I were to be more free in my parenting. These are some of my concerns, I guess. By all means, I do NOT have all the answers and I struggle everyday in this parenting thing. I truly am trying to do what I feel is best and am fascinated to learn more about your philosophy. Thanks again for sharing. :heartbeat:
Fantastic Julie. This post has come at time when I needed guidance with allowing my kids so much freedom – like a little guiding light your blog shines out the good truth. Thanks and hugs to you and yours xxxxxxx
I’m 50 years old. I was raised that way, with just a few boundaries, but serious ones. I turned out ok :sunny: I don’t run around naked but oh I wonder why society frowns on topplessness on hot days.
You addressed this very well.
I love your parenting philosophies.
I’m still learning my way, too, and unfortunately, my life is dominated by watching the clock for ten months of the year.
There is a big gap between my two children – thirteen years. When I had Megan, i was younger, alone, and very unsure of myself. I passed this insecurity on in the form of too many rules, discipline that was sometimes too harsh, and a manner that sometimes disregarded her as a person. Non of this was intentional. Some of it was an emulation of the way my parents raised me. With Emily, I do things much differently. We have some structure – but I respond to her needs within that structure. If she needs to be rocked to sleep, that’s what I do. If she won’t eat dinner at dinnertime, no big deal. If she’s hungry, she’ll ask for a snack later. I am hoping, as Julie is doing, that Emily will learn to listen to her inner voice.
Now that Megan is sixteen, she’s busy learning to listen to her inner voice all over again. It’s a tough road for her sometimes – making decsisions for oneself is a two way street. She’s learing that her actions have consequences, that she’s responsible for her actions, good or bad, and the only person who can make her life good is her.
Good for you, and the kids!!
:heartbeat:
I called you a pioneer once and you are. This way of parenting is so foreign to people because they have been told that there is another “right” way to do things. It is hard to let go of that idea…and scary. I love the way you parent and have parented in many of the same ways. I was not as brave about it though. I did what I did …believed what i believed but kept to myself because i hated the scrutiny. I have grown past this now but wish I had felt more confident sooner. You are so brave.
girl_in_pictures: I would like to respond a bit more to your additional comment and forgive any blurry thoughts as it is a bit late and I am off to bed.
you said,
”I guess by “real life” I meant that not everyone has been raised the way your kids are and cannot understand their freedom. I worry that it will be hard for kids who have been in charge of their own lives to learn to be unselfish when they’ve had the freedom to be self-serving as much as they want, to the point where they don’t even permit their mom to have time to herself, and she goes along with it. I guess I don’t see that as being healthy, but I fully admit I might be looking at it the wrong way”
This to me, is like saying why feed our children healthy food because everyone else will be eating junk and won’t understand. Why would a child who has been given freedom be selfish? IMO, a child who is in touch with his heart (and not listening to what others tell him to think/feel/be), is more likely to feel empathy and live in an unselfish way.
My children don’t permit or not permit me to do anything, I have free will, as they do. I choose to respect my son’s heart and listen to what his needs are before those of my job. By respecting who he is, he is learning how valued he is and how we need to hear our inner voice and we ALL matter. Yes, the work becomes more challenging but I will NEVER regret putting my children before it. And we pay the bills and get along either way.
I show my children that I matter, too, by taking time for myself when it works for all of us, not just me. They see me painting and reading and gardening and taking pictures and writing and cooking and singing. My kids know that I am valued, as well.
The only way children learn this is if they feel respected and valued themselves.
Incidentally, my children have no real interest in public nudity as they acquire (esp my 6 yo) modesty. Yes, they are free to be the way they want at home but they always dress when we head out. And why is nudity a crime?
You also said: “And I know they can learn rules and regulations on the job (we all know most jobs have them, if they choose to work someday) but it will be a lot more difficult if they have been raised thinking there is no need to pay attention to outside rules.”
If they have been raised to believe that following the rules is a choice, not a requirement, they will choose to follow the rules if there is a job that interests them enough. I was raised to follow the rules and I found a job where I can work for myself so I can make my own.
If we are raised on good, soild ground, we will grow to be loving and empathetic adults who care for others while making our own choices.
getting sleepy…must retire to snuggle my children who await me in the family bed. :love:
damn that was beautiful!
I’m so glad to finally know how this works. I’ve had converstaions about this with a few people- with so many unanswered questions. So thanks. I will admit, though, I wont be using this way of parenting. I do plan on sending my kids to public school (if we live in the right state by the time comes) and I will encourage them to do their homework and get a job, etc. Real life to me- by the time it matters- is getting up and going to work on time everyday. I love to watch my little guy explore and figure things out on his own, but I also love knowing that he knows not to touch the humidifier or pull stuff out of the trash. I love that he knows to go back to sleep if it’s still dark out. So I thank you again for answering a lot of questions, good luck and God Bless with your super cute kids!
Thanks again Julie! Very interesting…..I’ll have to put some serious thought into this. I thought about this a lot today as Audri was acting out and I was wondering how to deal/what to do….and what you would do.
One more question: what if Jesse or Ruby comes to you and says they want to go to public school, like most homeschooled kids do at some point? Or what if you find out when they are teenagers that they are into drugs or are not having safe sex? Just wondering how you would deal with those issues. You’ve already answered so many of my questions, feel free not to continue, this is just really interesting to hear more from your perspective. I know no one who parents like you do in real life so it’s very interesting to me, very eye-opening. Thank you again for sharing. :sunny:
P.S….thank you, too, for having the grace to understand where I am coming from and not to be snappy or offended. Not many people can stand by their parenting under questioning and that says a lot about you. I really mean NO ill will or offense, I really am very curious and want to learn.
My parents have always been more lenient on me compared to my younger siblings. I really feel like I nw more about myself and the world around me because of this. Yeah I had my boundaries too and of course they taught me wrong from right… i’m really appreciative in how well they taught me and how they let me be free to do what I wantd as long as if it wasnt morally wrong. I was able to surround myself with friends who had the same values and morals……anyway….this is an interesting topic.
Excellent thoughts.
girl_in_pictures:
you said,
“One more question: what if Jesse or Ruby comes to you and says they want to go to public school, like most homeschooled kids do at some point? Or what if you find out when they are teenagers that they are into drugs or are not having safe sex?”
If they want to go to public school then they can go. If they like it, then they can stay in school; it would be their choice and I would support it (not that I wouldn’t be a bit sad privately, but I will always be proud when my children make thoughtful choices for themselves)
If they want to have unprotected sex and use drugs (I did and I was raised in a home with plenty of structure) then they will. I hope that by raising children who can THINK FOR THEMSELVES will make the best choices. I model respect for my body and they will learn to respect their own.
Who do you think would make a better choice when presented with something unhealthy for them:
a teenage who has ALWAYS had mom and dad tell her what to do, or one who has made many choices for herself?
I’m going with the one who has learned how to choose for herself.
Ask all you want, I am always happy to explain where I am coming from. As I said before, we can all learn from one another.
pinkdebster, I wanted to respond to something you said, as well.
you said, “Real life to me- by the time it matters- is getting up and going to work on time everyday. I love to watch my little guy explore and figure things out on his own, but I also love knowing that he knows not to touch the humidifier or pull stuff out of the trash. I love that he knows to go back to sleep if it’s still dark out.”
To me, real life matters NOW. Real life is learning and growing and loving each other, I don’t feel that it gets more real as we grow older and more mature, it only changes. To me, a baby who is chewing gleefully on a toy has as much “real” life as a man who works in an office, it is all real.
When my children are very small I give them guidance by telling them that the humidifier is hot and the toilet is not for swimming, I would not let a 12 month old do whatever she likes. That said, I do let them learn everything they can for themselves (as long as they won’t be harmed).
Lastly, my children has always slept with me and they know as well as any child does how to go back to sleep. If they need to be awake, then they may be awake. But they have learned how to rest quietly and sleep when they need to.
I hope my response does not come off as defensive, just wanted to clarify a few things.
Just soaking it all in……….:heartbeat:
You’re an amazing, amazing mother. How’d you get so good at this?
Once again, you’ve blown me away with another thoughtful and thought provoking post. DH & I are still figuring things out for J. Bottom line, I don’t want him to go through some of the things I did (I had great parents btw) but I also don’t want my experiences and prejudices to limit him either. We are so easily swayed by popular opinion (damn tv, media, etc) that we seldom think for ourselves. As my DH said yesterday morning (I forget what we were talking about), “Society sucks honey. Look, they voted for W and look what happened. We don’t have to act like them”. He’s right.
You are a great mom and I admire the way that you are raising your kids. It inspires me to do more and be more with my own children. I could never do all that you do as a parent, though. It just isn’t me. There is a part of me that craves structure and routine, and I see that need in my kids as well. Whether that is who they are, or that I have just created creatures who need small amounts of structure is yet undetermined. I think that there is no right and wrong way to parent as long as you are parenting with love.
there’s lots of us out here who think that kids have the right to their own bodies, minds and thoughts…it’s been going on in radical pedagogy for a long while now.
this doesn’t mean people grow up irresponsible and thoughtless to the processes of the world. in fact, it makes us into the compassionate people the world needs…
I believe I was given many of the rights Julie discusses and it only makes me want that sort of belief and confidence for everyone…it fuels me endlessly to love and care for those around me who didn’t get that. that is real life anyway..loving and caring for the earth and people around you. it doesn’t get more real and purposeful than that.
a George Harrison Line comes to me (as they often do…) “I don’t know why, no one told you, how to unfold your love. I don’t know how someone controlled you. They bought and sold you. I look at the world and I see that it’s turning. Still my guitar gently weeps. With every mistake, we must surely be learning. Still my guitar gently weeps. I don’t know how you were diverted. You were perverted too.I don’t know how you were inverted. No one alerted you. I look at you all and I see the love that’s there sleeping. ”
I long for my children to not look back and say, “why didn’t my mother tell me that?” I don’t want to look back and say that something held me back – this is an important thread that I’ve been reading about on various blogs all morning. glad we’re all thinking about it….
I think it’s the ultimate challange in attachment parenting. Discerning between the boundaries and guidelines the parent wants and the ones the child truly needs. Some children will need more than others and many parents have difficulty letting go of the ones they want. I know I do.
It’s a balancing act we’re all working on and I learn a great deal from reading Julie’s (and many other’s) blog. We learn as we go and make adjustments as needed.
Thank you, Julie, for taking the time to explain where you are coming from. It’s given me plenty of food for thought.
I agree!!! :goodjob:
I’m loving all this wonderful, thoughtful discussion. I love Lisa’s questioning herself with WWJD (what would Julie do.) I find myself doing the same thing. :sunny:
:heartbeat::heartbeat::heartbeat::heartbeat::heartbeat::heartbeat::heartbeat::heartbeat::heartbeat:
Beautiful. Your posts always speak to me. RYC: I missed you too and have enjoyed catching up on all the lively conversation.
Wow…this all just goes against everything I have believed…that we are here to protect our children who cannot yet defend themselves, even sometimes against life….we are not here to be their friends, we are here to be their guides and their boundaries when they do not know how to guide or set boundaries for themselves. It’s something totally new for me to believe that children have the ability to completely own their own lives, and if left totally alone to make their own decisions they will flourish rather than destroy themselves. I still don’t know how I feel about that. Maybe I’ll try it for awhile, let Audri do whatever the heck she wants, lol, and see how it goes.
This is just all so new to me. I was not raised this way, I do not know how to parent in this way. I feel very insecure. I worry that my children may make choices that destroy themselves (like I often did) and I could not live with myself if I stood by and watched that happen. I’m not sure what else I should do, but my mother is very very controlling and I don’t know any other way to be. I’d like to learn though.
girl_in_pictures: may I make one (gentle) suggestion?
Go slowly, very, very slowly. When a person has been raised this way (and this includes children who are currently being raised this way, not just adults) it takes a while for them to relax and “de-program”. A child who is not used to making her own choices will not always approach it with grace and skill. However, if you start slowly and let her make decisions in incremental steps (choosing what to wear, regardless of the heat/cold, choosing what to eat from healthy choices) she will begin to make good choices. The problem is, we adults often judge their choices based on our preferences and not what really might be best for them. My kids only eat vegetables raw, none cooked, no veggie soups, no stir-fries, none of it. Is this my choice? No, I like my veggies in a variety of ways. Are my kids just as healthy when they eat raw veggies? Yes. So, I fix them raw and put them on a plate or in containers and they may help themselves. And yes, sometimes they eat them all day long and when dinner comes, Jesse may only eat chicken and drink milk because he has had ENOUGH veggies, thankyouverymuch and this is alright.
So they dress too warmly when it is cold out, so what?
So they want to hang out with kids who are younger or older or maybe just with adults (like I did as a kid) so what?
So they eat cereal all day or paint all day or watch movies all day, so what?
It all balances out. If you look at any given day we experience in this house, you might think that we only do one thing (maybe garden for 4 hours or read all day) but it all balances out over time.
Be gentle more than anything with yourself so that you can keep your eyes open.
And ask yourself what failure might look like if you try and give your children more freedom.
And ask yourself what you might do/feel if you think things are “failing”.
And ask yourself WHY you think this is your definition of failure and how you came to it.
Just keep asking.
I think it is wonderful you are thinking and questioning and discussing all of this, it can only help to make us all better mothers!!!
whew, I am invigorated and exhausted from all this excitement, I need some tea and head back out to the blackflies for some gardening.
so interesting. I dont have kids yet, but I really enjoy soaking all this up ahead of time. thank you so much for explaining it so well. I think your kids are going to grow into amazing adults.
Julie, you’ve given such positive advice here… And I love your disposition, you don’t read as defensive at all. :heartbeat:
Julie.
You know Im with ya on this one!
re: girl-in-pictures comment: I think that parenting authoritarian-style causes selfishness, much more so than allowing a child to learn from life itself.
for example, if one 4 yr old hits another, I will frequently see the mother force the child to apologize., and punished, whatever. this kid is not learning compassion, only that these actions affect their own self. all punishments focus on the self, and rewards too. when my kids hit each other we all sit down and talk about it and snuggle.
and if that isnt possible we go our separate ways and do something else.
in this way a kid will learn not to hit the other kids, because it hurts them and then the playtime isnt fun anymore. not because mommy will put them in their room, or take away some toys or whatever.
I have know lots of ppl- myself included- that were raised very authoritarian-style. My Dad was know to say ‘cuz Im big and mean’ when we asked why we couldnt do x or whatever. And I myself was one of those kids that when I moved away from my parents and had no one telling me what to do anymore.. well I had no self-discipline. I did a lot of drugs and other reckless things!
I think that kids should get to develop their own self discipline, and sense of knowing what they want in life, before becoming an adult. They are going to have to make all of their little life decisions as adults, theres no better way to learn about making decisions than thru lots of practice.
and now Ive added to your collection of windy comments!
oops I hadnt read the other half of your comments b4 posting! oh well, its still relevant.
other results include: obesity, sloth, and confusion about authority
Well said. I think it’s about trust, and it’s a lesson we are all continuing to learn. To trust our children, and to behave in a way that makes our children trust us.
It’s funny… in this whole post what I was thinking at the end was… “I’m surprised her house is white.” Hehehe. With all your color experimentation inside, I expected the outside to be cerulean or crimson or saffron or something!!!! Heh. But I was paying attention to what you were saying, too!
pinkprncs89,
you said,
”other results include: obesity, sloth, and confusion about authority”
if people become fat and slovenly and confused about authority it is THEIR choice.
And the term “confusion about authority” makes me so happy I cannot stand it.
I’m sorry, but there is nothing I like to see more than a person “confused about authority”
Well, except for a person who knows that THEY are the ones in charge of their OWN lives.
It has to do with being able to MAKE CHOICES.
pinkprncs89….results of what? letting children live their own lives? If so, I beg to differ. First if a home is bountiful of whole, healthy foods that the children can eat whenever they see fit, I’m positive obesity will not be an issue. My children are free to raid the fridge/pantry all day. Amazing how little they actually do eat. An apple, a yogurt, or a slice of fresh bread or maybe some carrots. Now, if you took a child that has been “trained or restricted” they may go hog wild at the idea of no limit on food and eat a lot. Until they start to listen to their bodies and eventually slow down.
Confusion about authority. Who most likely will the child look to for guidance. A parent that preaches, and controls? Or a parent who is loving, open and respectful?
My cousins for instance. My aunt was high or drunk all night and slept all day. The food in the home consisted of cheetos, pepsi, koolaid, etc. My cousins did in fact run wild. If they tried to wake their mother they were yelled at. They in fact were left alone to do as they pleased most of the time. Obese–yes, 3 of them are. They have no respect for any one because they were never shown any type of respect.
Is that what you are thinking of? Because, children that come from healthy, happy homes, who are free to choose…..I’ve never seen the end result you speak of. I know many beautiful people who were raised free.
Oops, I didn’t know that was long!
interesting reads on the subject from library land would be Summerhill by A.S. Neill which is an experimental school in England – get this, they don’t MAKE kids go to class if they don’t want to. what happens? kids take time to decompress, do what they want and then they go to school because they want to!
also The Magical Child by Joseph Chilton Pearce is also another important one…
how about Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin
and Jan Hunt’s The Natural Child
Julie is right in saying that you should go slowly. learning to parent is really learning about oneself as much as it is about anything else. loving the self and loving the children…because we’re all AMAZING!!!!
ohmigod!!! I’ve been featured!!! (eeeks! and other squeals of excitement!!!! hee, hee, who who!!!):spinning:
Wow. I was really moved by that entry and want, if I ever become a parent, to think it as a model.
I was overparented and overrun by school and work atmospheres and now I find myself in a panic, often doing things by lists instead of by spontenaity (sp?), instead of by the joy of just experiencing life.
Anyway, thank you for your inspiration.
Thank you for the suggestions Julie. I will remember that. My husband and I were talking earlier about how we were both “over-controlled” as children….we don’t know any other way. I was gently bringing up this subject and he shot it down immediately. He thinks kids need boundaries and guidance, as I tend to, and it’s going to be hard for both of us to change that. If it truly is the best thing, I want to. But how can we know what the best thing is? There are so many wonderful, amazing adults who were raised at either end of the spectrum….I wonder how much of it has to do with the child’s personality. My daughter for instance, is very anxious and fearful, she’s been that way since she was a baby. Afraid of grass, loud noises, etc. I was that way as a child too. She needs structure, routine, she always needs to know what to expect, etc. I wonder how to work this with her. My son though is much more relaxed and I think this could work with him.
Parenting is so hard!! lol
Very well said!!!
I’m seriously thinking about homeschooling our girls(dd#1 is in a waldorf kinder and dd#2 is only 2). I might not unschool but will definitely do more research and integrate some of your ideas in our parenting. One of my favorite quotes: “I’d teach less about the love of power And more about the power of love.” I love your blog!
Wow. I’d hate to be your kids. No rael boundaries. They decide what is right and wrong. I’ll be surprised if you ever read this. But uh…there is parental responsibility that you’re definitely neglecting, and apparently proud of it.
Yes Julie, you are “SOOOOO neglectful” :nono: Geez…just hit delete – and keep up the good work. :coolman:
beautiful post julie, DH and i struggle with this everyday. you are an inspiration!!!
If more people would think and know their reasons for doing things, we’d all be better off–whether we agreed with their conclusions or not. Most people don’t think, I fear, just react and repeat. I started out thinking I had a very different viewpoint than yours, but your boundaries are about the same as mine. I do try to consciously make them think about the impact of their actions, whether it might be physically harmful to another or merely rude and hurtful emotionally. Perhaps you do, too, although you only mentioned phyiscal harm. One of the hardest “boundaries” for me to define is honoring a commitment (likea season of sports) versus wanting them to feel free to try things and experiment. This can get costly…but I want them to try things!
Bravo Mama! I aspire to become a parent that views childhood this way. Thank you!
I’m glad that I read your post. It’s posts like yours that remind me of what we are really trying to accomplish. World peace starts in the hearts of individuals.
Have a Great Day!
Laurel Santiago
I just posted an entry of my own over at http://pwsmommy.homeschooljournal.net if you’re interested.
Beautiful. I feel this way so often at work — public schools are really not the place for people like us in many ways.
People are constantly telling me, they HAVE to sit, they HAVE to listen, they HAVE to say the Pledge just because they HAVE to. To which I say, why why why why WHY???
It’s so nice to know there are many of us to support each other.
So well said!! The freedom your children have is so wonderful, and something we have done (more or less anyway) in our family as well. It’s respectful, and peaceful (generally speaking lol) and joyful. And who couldn’t use more of that?! :coolman:
Julie, I have loved reading this post and all of the responses. I have always questioned authority; but more on a spiritual level than the “now” and day to day. Stewart Wilde uses a term in his books, “tick tock”. He is referring to the “real world” vs. this illusion; this dream we all live in… so many parents raise their children in the tick tock world with rules because “that’s the way it is”…
Thank you, Julie. :sunny:
I have been reading your blog for a while now, and I was wondering if I could be added to the protected list.